I [Heart] Vacuum; Or, How Target Sucks-Up Damaged Goods

Vacuuming: no one enjoys it. No one rushes home from the office so that they can rev-up the Dirt Devil.  No one finds inner piece to the whine of a WindTunnel.  No one spends thousands on a Kirby or a Dyson because their heart speaks its name with helpless yearning.  No.  Not one person.  No one.  All of those commercials depicting women (ALL WOMEN, mind you!!) blissfully maneuvering their high-tech Hoovers with contentment in their eyes are complete crap.  Shameless propaganda.  The best you can say for vacuuming is that, given the proper equipment, it can be less annoying than usual.  I should know.  I have never possessed a decent vacuum cleaner in my entire life, and I have hated the practice with a passion.  Until recently.

            My long-term lack of decent vacuum may actually be linked to the fact that I’ve also spent most of my life on tile and linoleum floors where vacuums did little more than splatter your ankles with dirt-shrapnel.   That, and my distaste for the practice in general.  Really, any activity in which you mindlessly push and pull a heavy object back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, sucks.  The deafening racket of the motor doesn’t help, either.  Every living animal in the house runs for the hills, yet there you are, doggedly depressing the ON switch in quest of a cleaner carpet.  Perhaps you even get a sick joy out of Fido’s fear, since he’s 90% of the reason you are stuck there in the living room, sucking at life for the next 45 minutes. 

            Little wonder I thought it foolish to spend actual money on such a device.  Besides, for the first twenty-five years of my existence, I had only ever used whatever monstrosity came to hand.  Everywhere I went, someone had a vacuum, donated a vacuum, or abandoned one.  Clearly, vacuums were devalued objects that people couldn’t get rid of fast enough.  Why part with money to get one, if I could spend it on something cool, like toilet paper?

            My first actual vacuum was one of those lightweight, bagless Eureka Boss Mini things purchased by undergrads nationwide.  It cost $45 (I considered this highway robbery) and was a gift from my brother, Andy, who was visiting me in my new apartment in Tallahassee.  I had just moved up to begin my Master’s program, and he had missed my birthday.  I was twenty-five.  (It is also important to note here that my brother is awesome and considers it his personal mission to make me look cool to nerds the world over.  Historically, Andy has purchased just about every interesting item of cutting-edge technology that I have possessed – vacuum not included.  In exchange, I dress him.)

            The Eureka certainly lived up to my initial desires for vacuuming ease: it was, indeed, weightless, and I did not have to purchase bags for it.  But besides that, it was a waste of $45. Once my roommate’s boyfriend had used it to vacuum out his SUV without once emptying the canister, it was never the same.  Still, I resisted buying another.  I kept running that thing over and over and over the stubborn little bits of dirt, thinking: this time it had better suck that crap up.  But then I bent down, and picked up the bits myself. 

             This experience only reinforced my belief that vacuuming was evil, and when I moved into my townhouse and found an uglier, older, but slightly more effective vacuum abandoned there by the previous owner, I accepted it – relieved that no more precious funds need go down that drain.  This vacuum – let’s call him Big Red – weighed about twenty pounds and had a little light panel that went from red to green when the carpet was “clean” (in a manner of speaking).  It had bags, but I had learned to appreciate vacuum bags while choking on super-fine dust, trying to empty the Eureka’s filter.  Bags were okay.  But Big Red smelled faintly of rubber when switched on, and the chord was patched with electrical tape where someone had accidentally sucked it up (this person might have been me).  Vacuuming the stairs with Big Red was a genuine cardio workout – actually, you could break a sweat vacuuming anything with Big Red.  I used this vacuum for five years.

            Naturally, I vacuumed as rarely as possible.  This worked for me.  My common-room floors are tile.  So, for a long time, I could survive months without feeling a pressing need to fetch Big Red out of the closet.  But, since I also live in a stilt house, those tile floors turn into freezing slabs of ice in the winter, requiring me to cover most of them with gigantic jute rugs.  This added significantly to the total carpeted surface area in those rooms most likely to be seen by the public.  The library and bedroom were both carpeted, but I tended not to invite anyone into them.

            The more I found myself treading on strange particles, the more tolerance I had to build against the disgust-reflex common in such situations.  Walking in sand is the loveliest sensation imaginable, but for some reason, sand under your bare feet when you expect pristine smoothness is like nails on a chalkboard.  So, I learned to stop expecting pristine smoothness, or anything like it.

It does not help matters that, like most Yorkies, Pippin does not think it appropriate to eat her food all in one sitting at the bowl, but instead, selects mouthfuls at a time for consumption in various parts of the house.  Mainly, anywhere with carpeting.  Not a day goes buy without me stepping on kibble, cursing, and demanding that she come in here right now and eat this supper before it goes in the trash.  Dutifully, she comes, picks up the kibble, peers at me from under her wispy brows like a naughty child, and crunches it at my feet.   I sigh as the microscopic kibblets infiltrate the carpet.  At least she doesn’t shed.

Whenever the threat of guests finally forced me into vacuuming, of course, the process was lengthy and grueling.  My shoulders ached, my neck ached, my ears rang like broken bells.  Pippin would inevitably go into hiding, and I would wish I could be with her.  It got to the point where I swear I actually avoided cleaning, just because the mere thought of hauling Big Red out into the open made my back hurt.  Cleaning the house for my birthday dinner last month, after half a year of blissful filth, was a marathon of misery.

Once all of the guests were gone, I made a desperate pact with myself: I would NEVER let the house get dirty again.  I would wash every dish the moment the last crumb were eaten, I would sweep the floors the moment I noticed a spec of dirt, and finally, I would vacuum the rugs on a regular basis – or whenever there were more leaves on the floor than I could count in five seconds.  Besides, I LIKED a clean house.  I liked not walking on little granules of dirt, I liked laying on the rug without getting bits of broken leaves and whatever-all plastered to by back, and I liked not finding raisins in the crotch of my couch.  And all of this could be my life, if only I did not detest vacuuming.

So when a week had passed, and I stopped counting leaf-bits and started thinking of my foolish promise, I made yet another desperate decision.  I could not bear the thought of Big Red, lurking in the hall closet like a fat, ugly pile of brick, taunting me with old-fashioned profanities from its glory days (‘Od’s-bodkins!), mocking my messy carpeting.  He knew he couldn’t suck up a paperclip to save his own mother – at least, not on the first, second, or third try.  He knew that every square inch of carpeted surface meant double, even triple the effort for the poor sap – me – forced to propel his slovenly bulk.  I imagined these thoughts pleased him.  I imagined he dragged his rollers on purpose to frustrate me, like a barn-sour horse, eager to remain in his dark, cozy closet with a blanket and a fistful of grain. 

Not this time.

I left him undisturbed, so as not to alert his suspicions, and quietly tiptoed from the house.  I was going to Target.  I was going to buy a new, not-cheap vacuum cleaner.  I was ready to spend some money.

I called my mother on the way to Target, hoping to get some advice about a proper vacuum.  After five minutes of talking to her, I realized how I’d ended up with such a disregard for vacuums. 

“Why don’t you just look on Craig’s List?”  She asked, as if faintly annoyed that I would spend money so frivolously.  “There’s all kinds of good stuff on there – barely even used!”  A pang of guilt stabbed through me.  Yes, used vacuum.  Craig’s List.  Why hadn’t I thought of it?  What am I doing, wasting money on another appliance, when I already HAVE a vacuum (ugly godforsaken piece of…)?

But I calmed myself out of it.  Mom always has this effect on me.  Whatever it is that I want to do, if it involves spending money, and doesn’t particularly appeal to her, she will manage to make the whole notion seem selfish, foolish, or pointless in about five minutes.  What really sucks is that most of the time, she has a point – one that I have made my own point of ignoring.  But this time, I knew why I needed to go to Target, right now, and purchase a new vacuum.  Why spend hours hunting through Craig’s List, investigating, testing, and inspecting objects that I already dislike?  I was trying to make vacuuming into something EASIER, not a research project!

Mom expressed her complete support for my mission, probably because she knew darn well that I was determined, and about to tell her off for trying to talk me out of it, anyway.  Unfortunately, mom hates vacuuming as much as I do, which is the reason I grew up on tile and linoleum floors.  She had very little advice to offer beyond: “Well, you have tile floors, do you even NEED a vacuum?”  See what I mean? 

Once inside the vacuum aisle of Target, I was in a bit over my head.  There, displayed at eye-level like so many objets d’art, were about a hundred vacuums.  No, not really.  More like twenty vacuums, but there may as well have been a hundred.  They were sleek and tubey, squat and transparent, tall and tunnelly… some of them bore the image of little paws or cats to indicate their superior ability to suck-up pet hair.  Others boasted prowess in multiple fields of floor cleaning, from polishing a bare floor, to steaming a carpet.  They came in all colors, proudly displaying their various weights, and ranged in price between $35 and $400. 

I stood there for a moment, stunned.  Then, slowly, I began to walk up and down the aisle, peering knowledgeably at the little placards under each one – like inspecting medium and message cards in an art gallery – until I came upon one shining, green Hoover which said: “Own me.”  I made this interpretation based upon many intelligent factors, and a clever analysis of its features weighed against my personal needs.  Really, I bought it because it was green.  And, because it was the last one in the store, the box was badly damaged, and the clerk offered me a discount, bringing my $120 investment down to $85.  Sold.

Pippin skittered away in horror as I wrestled the oversized and clearly abused vacuum box through the front door.  “This is our new vacuum, Stinker!”  I announced.  (I call Pippin “Stinker” because it is Samwise Gamgee’s nickname for Gollum in The Lord of the Rings.  Pippin, of course, is named after Peregrin “Pippin” Took of the same novel.  I am a nerd, so sue me.)  “You’re gonna love it!”  She knew that was bullshit, but she hung just out of its reach to watch the unwrapping go down. 

            Within moments, my lovely, green Hoover was assembled and ready for action.  It had a see-through belly so that every molecule of foul matter once coating the floor of my house could be examined for sick pleasure.  But it’s most promising feature, I thought, was the clever little mini-sucker attachment for vacuuming furniture and stairs.  This little invention even came equipped with its own mini rotating brush, which began spinning the moment you fixed the attachment onto the hose. I couldn’t wait to get at my stairs.  These were always particularly painful to cover with Big Red – a guaranteed neck ache – only to be attempted on rare and special occasions.  But now…? 

Vowing to be a responsible appliance owner, I dutifully read the instruction manual warnings at the front of the booklet.  One in particular caught my eye: “Do not place vacuum on steps while vacuuming stairs.”  Ha! thought I, of COURSE.  Only an idiot would leave the vacuum on the stairs without stabilizing it first!  But, I supposed these manuals were written for the common moron, not Clan MacGyver, PhD-holding types like myself.  Besides, how were you SUPPOSED to vacuum the stairs without having the vacuum ON THE STAIRS?  It’s not like they included an extension hose with this thing.

So I plugged in my new, green vacuum and discovered the delights of self-propelled machinery.  Not only did this vacuum not smell like a rubber factory when switched on, it ran like sucking-up filth was its job, not its penance.  Pippin still made herself scarce, but at least I wasn’t rapidly going deaf.  Steadily, the clear plastic canister in the vacuum’s belly filled with fuzzy silt and other debris.  I watched it guiltily, wondering how much of this stuff had been lingering on my floors for the past five years.  On the whole, I was – admittedly – enjoying myself.

Then came the stairs.  Vacuuming them with my lovely little rotary attachment was a revelation – Look! Look! I kept thinking; I thought they’d never be this texture again!  I was grinning ear to ear when, about halfway up the stairs, I ran out of cord.  I had plugged into a socket in the sunroom below, but obviously this was not going to suit.  The responsible thing to do would be to switch off the vacuum, secure it on the step, and pop down to unplug the cord. (I especially liked the cord feature on this vacuum because, with the press of a button, a mechanism would slurp up the cord like spaghetti.)

Remember what the manual said, a little voice told me. Don’t leave the vacuum on the stairs!  I got very defensive.  Yes, yes, yes, I told it, but I am going to be VERY careful, and balance the vacuum perfectly.  And I’m certainly not going to tug the cord; what kind of idiot do you think I am?  So, according to plan, I pushed the vacuum in its upright position, cautiously checking its steadiness before turning my back and heading down the stairs.  So far, so good.  I reached for the plug…

CRASH – crunch – BANG – bang – CLUNK! 

Silence.

For a moment, I didn’t move; I didn’t even turn around.  I think I had my eyes closed.  The stupid half of my brain kept saying, “Nah!  That CAN’T be the vacuum, can it?” while the more intelligent side sighed, scratched its ear, and said, “I can’t believe you just did that.  And you even read the manual.  I’m embarrassed to share a body with you.” 

Slowly, I looked round the corner.  Sure enough, lying on the landing, handle-end-down, was my new green vacuum.  Demoralized.  Reluctantly, I moved forward, hoisted it upright, and inspected the damage.  No wonder you never paid money for a vacuum, you jackass, nagged the little voice, if you’re just going to throw them down the stairs.  Surprisingly, once all the stray pieces had been collected and reassembled, only one little defect was visible.  The plastic lining of the cord socket had cracked.  Purely aesthetic, I told myself.  No big deal.  Then I powered thing on again and sucked the spilt rubbish back up.

Secretly, I believed that the vacuum manufacturers were partially to blame.  Had they put a little effort in, explained that there was some internal imbalance in the vacuum that made it impossible to steady on stairs, even under the most conscientious circumstances, I would’ve obeyed their warning, but no, they had just said, “Don’t”.  And who wants to be told that?

But, more openly, I acknowledged the extent of my own stupidity and resolved to abide by the consequences.  As I finished vacuuming the rest of the house, I swore the vacuum was a tad louder than it had been at first.  But that’s what you get, said my little voice.  You had to leave it on the stairs...

I told my friends about my adventure the next evening at dinner.  After they finished laughing at me, and wiping the tears from their eyes, they said, “So, did you take it back?”

“Take it back?  No!”  I was scandalized.  I really felt I had an ethical obligation to endure the damaged equipment.  “I can’t take it back!  I’m the dumbass!  And besides, I got it at discount!”

Stephanie and Tara looked at each other across the table as if to say, Who is this person?  Stephanie turned to me.  “Um,” she began, “What happened to the woman who exchanged that air mattress every three months because she was using it for a bed and it kept getting leaks?”

“But – I was poor!  It’s different!” I stammered.

“Yeahhh….right,” laughed Tara, “I’m not seeing the discrepancy here.  Besides, they don’t give a shit at Target; they won’t even look at it.”

“You don’t think?”

“Nope.”

“Jared used his weed-eater for a year,” Stephanie added, “and took it back because he decided it wasn’t cutting as well.  He didn’t even have a receipt!  They looked at him like, ‘We don’t care what’s wrong with it; just hand it over and go away.’”

“Really??”

“Actually, I think it turned out he hadn’t even bought it from Target.  I think he remembered later that he’d bought it at Lowe’s.”  Stephanie sipped her margarita while Tara grinned.

“Take it back, dude,” Tara said.  “Get a new, new vacuum.  They don’t care.”

My conscience cringed.  It was true, I WAS the Take It Back Queen, but this was different.  I had no one to blame for this but my own sheer stupidity.  At least with the airbed, I could tell myself that it was defective…even if it wasn’t actually meant for constant, daily use.  Besides, that was years ago when I lived on 12K a year T.A. pay. 

Still, my brain began stewing a good excuse.

“Well,” I said, after I’d chewed for a while.  “They gave me that discount because the box was really badly wrecked.  I could say there was something messed up with it after all!”

“Sure, go for it,” my friends told me, shaking their heads, “the kid at the counter will just look at you like, ‘Why are you telling me this?  You’re making me miss my break.’”

“Well, okay.  But if they say I have to pay the difference from the discount, I’ll say that’s fine.”  This seemed fair.

“Emmy,” Stephanie gave me an amused look, “they will NOT CARE.  They won’t ask you to pay the difference.  Trust me.”

“Really???”

“Really.”

“I think you should write the vacuum story,” Tara mused.  “This is pretty funny.”

So, it’s true.  Target does indeed suck up damaged goods, like my brand new, new vacuum sucks up broken leaves and garden grit.  And, yes, the young return counter clerk will look at you like you are an asshole for attempting ANY explanation.  So, if this is you in the foreseeable future, take my word for it: they don’t wanna hear it. 

Sure, I'm a little disgusted with myself, but then, as I listen to the unadulterated hum of my new, undamaged vacuum, I think: this could sound much more annoying than it does.  And I’m content.  Not actually enjoying myself (vacuuming is, after all, vacuuming), but content.

            Now, for the stairs…

Neighborhood, Scene 2: The Borrowers

My neighborhood has never disappointed in the entertainment department.  And even after the drug dealers left for jail, we manage.  Take our latest addition to the block, for example.  I call them The Borrowers.  They moved into the dealers’ vacant apartment.  Their license plates say Ohio (adding a little northern color to the neighborhood milieu) and their family consists of a scraggly stepfather, and equally scraggly mother, a seventeen-year-old daughter (belonging to the mother), and a gangly-legged son (I have yet to peg his origins).

            I first encountered the son.  No, not true, first I encountered the dog.  He was a little terrier mix, friendly, and an instant favorite with Pippin, who adored him.  I, on the other hand, hated his guts.  Of course, I supported my dog’s hopelessly misguided love, but I made my sentiments known to the general atmosphere.  You see, the son’s idea of animal husbandry was to open the front door and let the dog loose upon the neighborhood, so that he might shit freely anywhere but inside the house itself.  His favorite spots were my herb garden – the oregano was an especial treat – and the leaf pile for my compost bin. 

            When I saw him, I would address him loudly thus: “Well, hello there – shitting anyplace in particular today?”  He ignored me.  I consoled myself by collecting his turds with my shovel and slinging them onto the path leading to the Borrowers’ front porch.  If you have retaliated in similar fashion to a neighbor’s careless pet habits, you know that this is a fruitless gesture.  Eventually, the effort of slinging shit itself becomes tiresome and, without the pleasure of watching your nemeses actually step in it, fails to satisfy.

            Pippin could never have understood my prejudice against her newfound love.  And indeed, it was not his fault.  After all, she had a human servant following her around, surreptitiously scooping up her own shit with a little black claw made for that purpose.  He had no one.  She was Lady; he was the Tramp.

            Well, after the third near-shit experience, in which I almost picked up the terrier’s turd in my bare hand as I reached for a pile of compost leaves, I decided that enough was enough.  Besides, the kid was never around to hear the snarky comments I made to his free-range pet.  So, when I saw the son outside one day, I decided to take some initiative. After all, I was not his dog’s only victim.  Twice, Lil Free-Range planted a steaming pile on my neighbor, Ashley’s, front porch. 

I walked up to him.  “Excuse me,” I said and asked if the dog belonged to him, just to be on the safe side. 

“No,” he replied.

I raised my brows skeptically.  “Really? ‘Cause…I saw him come out of your front door yesterday, and yours is the only yard he never craps in.  He’s made my chives inedible, and the rest of us step in his mess at least once a week.”  The kid would not look at me.

“He’s my sister’s dog," he grumbled at the pavement.  "And I can’t control where he shits."

Oh contrare, kiddo! I had one for him.

“Actually, you can,” I said.  “In fact, it’s the law that you do.  They call them leashes and what you do is, you put it round your dog’s neck and walk him.  Shovels and scoopers are also really handy.”  I waved my miniature scooper at his retreating back as he slouched into the house. 

Shortly thereafter, the little dog disappeared.  I think this was more because Ashley lit into the kid about the poo on her porch, but I can’t be certain.  All I know is, that’s when the borrowing started.

It began with the arrival of the seventeen-year-old sister.  The owner of Lil Free-Range.  She had long, ruddy red hair, a patchwork of tattoos, and the air of a person who’s been high within the last twenty-four hours.  I’d never seen her before in my life when she knocked on my door.  Pippin went absolutely insane with vicious, six-pound-dog barking.  She had never reacted so angrily to a knock before.  I peered out suspiciously and asked the girl what I could do for her.

            “Hey, girrrl," she said, as if this were a friendly commonplace, such as "dear" or "hon", "I locked myself out of the house, and…my stepdad’s not gonna be home for a while, and… I was wondering, could I, like, use your bathroom?”

            Wha? I thought.  Who asks that?  What sane neighbor expects to make urine in the bathroom of a total stranger before so much as an introduction and a “Can I please borrow some sugar”?  Besides, I'm twice her age and she's calling me "girl"??  But it was a hot day and she was a kid, so I swallowed my prejudice against her post-high pupils, pasty complexion, and crappy tattoos.  You’re being a snob, I told myself.  This is what you and all your friends looked like after camping in the woods and drinking shroom tea all weekend when you were seventeen.  It doesn’t mean she’s a felon. Of course, it was the middle of the week.

Pippin was clearly prejudiced, too.  She would not stop barking; in fact, once she caught a glimpse of the Borrower Girl, she barked even harder.  Typically, she melts into a wriggling ball of silky glee the moment the actual visitor is visible.  But not this time.  

The girl noticed my incredulous expression, so she added, “Uhh, I was out somewhere, and my stepdad, like, went to work and locked the door ‘cause he thought I had a key.  But I don’t have my key, and I don’t know when he’s coming back.  I’ll be real quick, I promise!”  But she spoke slowly, as if the connection between thought and speech were patched with second-hand wires.

I started calculating the time between the present hour and her stepfather’s likely return.  Could I live with myself if I left this kid stranded outside for hours with a full bladder?  More importantly, could I stand not knowing whose backyard she might pee in?

I decided to fight against the stench of cigarettes and nefariousness emanating from her, and opened the door wide.  She entered the hall and followed me into the library to the bathroom. I thought, guiltily, that there wasn't anything worth stealing in there.  She would be fine.

Pippin barked at her all the way.  My neck tingled.

            Whatever she was doing, it took longer than the traditional pee; but it gave me time to think.  It was an uncomfortably hot day, I reflected, and if she’s stuck outside she might get dehydrated.  A good person would offer her something to drink.  So, when she emerged, instead of opening the front door and planting my foot in her backside, I offered her some Fresca.  She accepted. 

It was the stupidest thing I could have done because she nursed that Fresca for twenty-five minutes.  There I sat, trying to make small talk, asking her questions and answering hers, without seeming suspicious.  But all I could think when she complimented my house was: Don’t even think about it, bottle-red. I've sized you up; you're not armed; I will kick your ass.

I learned she was sad that her step-father had decided to give away her little pooping dog.  I did not feel guilty.  “Yeah,” I replied, “I remember him.  He pooped in my garden every day.”  I'm not sure what happened after that, but the next thing I knew, she was asking to borrow my phone.

“What?” Maybe I could confuse her out of the idea by pretending not to hear. 

But no, she repeated herself: “Can I borrow your phone to call my friend about a ride?  I’m supposed to meet up with him.”

I gave up and went to the landline phone in the sunroom, but she stopped me.

“It’s a long-distance number,” she explained.  She wanted to use my cell phone.

Fire alarms began to sound inside my brain.  I knew all about this.  My experience with two generations of drug dealers in the neighborhood taught me that they ALWAYS wanted to borrow your cell phone and that you NEVER allow them to do so.  Her request simply branded her as not only a pothead with cheap tattoos, but as a probable criminal as well.  But how screwed up is that??? My conscience countered.  You can’t assume she’s making a deal because she wants to use your cell phone – everyone’s number is long distance now-a-days.  And why wouldn’t she want to have her friend pick her up when she’s stuck in Florida’s outdoor armpit without a toilet for three, maybe five, hours?

I handed over my cell phone with obvious reluctance and listened as she dialed.  The sound of a voicemail recording came on.  She didn’t leave a message.  “He’s not answering,” she said, obviously.  “If that number calls you back, just ignore it.”  Again, obviously.  I decided it was time for Borrower Girl to leave.  My skin was crawling and I couldn’t put my finger on why. 

I told her to keep her still-full glass of Fresca, as I ushered her out the door.  “Just leave it on the porch,” I said, never expecting to see it again. 

As it turns out, I didn’t; but I did see her again, not ten minutes later as I was ready to head out for yoga class.  Pippin was going wild at the door.  Borrower Girl looked sheepish.  “Uhhh, can I borrow some toilet paper?” she asked after my terse, “Yes?”

Toilet Paper.  You want to borrow some… toilet paper.  I think I said it out loud.  “Just in case,” she said. 

“Why don’t you just come in and use the bathroom again?”

“Oh, uh, I didn’t wanna bother you.”  Like stopping what I’m doing and rolling you a wad of my toilet paper is LESS annoying that your sitting on my pot all by yourself.  

Stoned stupid. Definitely.

Or: a sickeningly clever kid, running a little reconnaissance.  Thieves do it all the time.  Unfortunately, my parents had just bought me a nice new flat-screen as a gift - probably because they were tired of watching shows on my old tube.  Borrower Girl had also seen that I had a decent Mac, and who knows what else looks valuable to burglars?  

            The moment she left, I grabbed my stuff and left the house, lest she return for pee number three.  I dialed my neighbor, Don.

            “Can I ask your advice about something?” I asked him.  There was a pause, he was interpreting the sound of my voice.

            “You wanna ask me about your new neighba’s?” he seemed to be smiling.  How did he know?  I grilled him for every detail. 

            According to Don, Borrower Stepfather had been by Don’s place the week before, and asked his son, Derrick, if he could borrow their lawnmower.  Derrick, a genuinely nice guy, had been too shocked at the request from a total stranger to say no.

            “Weeeell,” said Don, “he said he was gonna bring th' mowa’ back in half-an-owa, but he neva brought it back.  Finally, I told Derrick he betta get ova there and get that mowa.  Get this, they had it in the house!”  Clearly, Don took this as a sign that the Borrowers had intended to make the mower their own.  I tried to play devil’s advocate.

            “They did mow that lawn, you know.  I couldn’t believe it.  A renter, mowing?  Thought they must be pretty decent folks, after all.”

            “Oh, they did, huh.”

            “Yup.  So maybe they didn’t get it done in time to get the mower to Derrick before he left home, and just kept it in the house so nothing would happen to it.”

            “Maybe.  But ain’t no folks come ova to a neighba’s house, askin’ to barra all kinds of shit like that.  I don’t even know who the hell they are!  The other day, that girl cam ova and asked Derrick’s girlfriend if she could barra her phone!”

            I gasped. “But that’s what just happened to me!  She wanted to use the bathroom, borrow my toilet paper, and use my cell phone!”

            Don acted as if this was no surprise to him.  “Emly,” he said, not pronouncing the ‘I’, “you don’t let that girl barra your phone.” 

            Of course, it was too late for that, but Don and I talked a while about the Borrowers.  We could not decide whether they were “just plain weeeud” (as Don called it), “stupid” (as I called it), or cunning.  Either way, I determined there would be no pee number three.

Then, a few weeks ago, as I sat in my car in front of the apartment, Borrower Girl approached me once more.

            “Hey, girrrl,” she said again.  I wanted to ask her if she had any idea how much I hated being addressed by that word, but I didn't.

            “Mmmhm?” I tried to look really busy with my car stereo.
            "Hey, uh, can you drive me somewhere?”

I looked her right in the eye like she was three years old, making water on my rug.

She didn't give up.  “I’ll give you ten dollars if you’ll take me to [someplace I have no wish to recall].  It'll just be a minute. Please?”

My eyebrows rose like a pair of air balloons. Ten dollars?  For a few mile’s ride?  Who pays ten dollars for a ride? Who does any of the shit this girl does??  There was something very wrong about such an offer, about everything.  I apologized and told her I didn’t have time.  She walked away in typical teenage fashion.  I shook my head.  What is she going to ask for next?

Last week, I got my answer.  Borrower Girl took borrowing to the next level.  It went down like this: Ashley (victim of Borrower Girl's Free-Range terrier) had ordered an expensive dress, and one day while she was at work, FedEx brought it to her door.  Never very interested in placing orders into the hands of their recipients, the FedEx man (like most of his ilk) deposited the box on the porch and drove away.

            A moment later, Borrower Girl and her boyfriend mosied over.  They had seen the truck come and go.  They saw that neither Ashley, nor her brother, Javon, were parked out front.  They assumed that the house must be empty.  Apparently, this meant that the FedEx delivery was technically theirs.  Well, sweet! (I imagine them thinking) Let’s see what we got!  They mounted the porch steps like it was their job, took the box, and went back home.

            Here’s where it gets interesting.  Ashley’s house wasn’t empty.  In the front room, just behind the window, sat Jovan’s girlfriend.  Who knows why she was there; she certainly wasn’t supposed to be.  Ashley hates her with a passion, and has oft forbade her brother to bring his girlfriend into the house.  Perhaps this is why the girlfriend did nothing while Ashley’s package walked off the porch, but she did tell Ashley what had happened later on that evening.

            If Borrower Girl had any intentions for that package, they were squashed the moment Ashley and Jovan burst into the Borrower Abode.  Ashley will do anything for a friend, but she takes shit from no one, and if you are a lousy excuse for a human being on her time, she will mess you up.  Fortunately for Borrower Girl, she was not home when Ashley descended upon her family.  Unfortunately for the family, neither the box nor the dress were anywhere in sight.  The scene ended with the Sheriff’s Department trying to calm Ashley down, pull her away from Borrower-Mom (who staunchly defended her daughter's honor), and promising to take care of the situation.

            Days later, they returned.  This time, I was home – just leaving for work.  Two plainclothes officers pulled up and parked in front of my building, bright and early.  They entered the Borrower House.  This time, they found Borrower Girl at home, and they found a lot more than that.

            On my way to work, Ashley called to fill me in.  As it happens, Pippin wasn’t too far off when she decided to loath Borrower Girl.  And yes, the girl was a felon.  Besides tampering with the mail, she was wanted for armed robbery.  Two counts.  The police had been searching for her some time, but until Ashley’s dress, they didn’t know where she lived.  Now they had her.

            When they found her at home, they noticed she had dyed her hair black to avoid detection.  Real clever.  Also "clever" was her handling of the evidence.  She’d stuffed Ashley’s $200 dress into a vacuum cleaner – also stolen – hoping no one would find it.  The house was full of stolen goods, so off to jail she went.

I wonder how many of my neighbors will be arrested before I finally move?  It’s strange.  All that time, I’d had several boxes delivered to my house and left on my porch.  Nothing was taken.  Don swears the Borrowers stole his ladder and his chainsaw from his backyard.  Maybe they did.  And maybe it was just thanks to dumb inconvenience that Borrower Girl never took anything of mine, and never got around to robbing my house.  Or, maybe she decided that one good turn deserved another: She let me use her toilet and, man, I really had to go.

            I doubt that, but my random immunity to these weirdos seems to have given me a false sense of security.  The only thing I truly fear is a neighbor with a shit-happy dog.  My dad thinks I should wise up.  And as yesterday I watched Borrower Girl, free from the slammer, walking to the mailbox with her thieving boyfriend, I thought, “Eh, maaaybe he’s right.  But then again, what else am I going to write about?”

Neighborhood, Scene 1: Home-Slum-Home

 I live in a quietly inaffluent “townhome” community, tucked away in the armpit of I-10 and North Monroe.  The triplexes are 1980’s wood frame numbers, constructed on stilts so that they won’t wash off down the heavily wooded slope.  When people visit me, they always exclaim, “How the hell did you find this place?” 

            I think that’s why I chose to buy this townhouse five years ago.  I knew my graduate education would be a long haul, and I needed someplace more permanent than a rental.  The price was right; I wasn’t afraid of a fixer-upper (in fact, my secret membership in Clan MacGuyver demands it); and I couldn’t resist the slow sleepy way the buildings looked.  What really caught me, though, was the view.  The back of the house was converted into a sunroom, with paned windows over-looking a grassy backyard and a deep, wooded ravine beyond.  I had grown up surrounded by woods.  My childhood backyard abutted the pine forest and our gravel road dead-ended into the swamp.  All I could think as I gazed out of those sunroom windows, over the yard, and out into the ravine was: home.

            It didn’t help my more critical functions, either, that my grandmother’s house in Port Huron had been a collection of sunrooms just like the one I now found myself standing in.  There was almost no chance in hell I was getting out of buying the place once I walked into that room, no matter how my head screamed: It needs so much work! It’s old! There are feral cats everywhere! The driveway looks like it was paved by a crew of drunken mental patients! 

            I didn’t listen; I couldn’t listen.  With the help of my family, I bought it; and with the help of family and many many others, I turned it into my home.

            Of course, this was after many more dollars and countless droplets of sweat and tears.  But, now, I have it made. 

            According to people like my father, on the other hand, I live in a slum.  He does have a point.  My neighborhood can certainly be described as…colorful.  Quiet, yes, but not without the occasional dramatic – or revolting – episode.  Some of the residents are downright creative about it.  For example, the couple up the hill started burning their trash in the backyard when they couldn’t make the garbage payments anymore.  I remember when I first drove by and glanced in their backyard at the burn pile, thinking, “Oh, how nice…having a little bonfire.”  Day after day, however, when I began to notice half-melted laundry bottles and wads of tinfoil in the heap, reality dawned. 

            Last year, the excitement was a neighborhood drug dealer named Juan [name changed to protect the guilty] and his family.  They lived at the opposite end of my building.  All year, we watched the cheapest of Tallahassee’s addicts come and go.  My neighbor, Don, who keeps strange hours as a courier service, regaled me weekly with stories about their comings and goings and rode the Tallahassee Police Department into a lather trying to get them to stage a bust.  I suppose the TPD figured that since our dealing neighbors had yet to threaten anyone’s life, they were free to stake them out for as long as they liked, “gathering evidence” at their leisure.  So they claimed.  Anyway, that excitement ended rather anticlimactically one day as I finished the final chapter of my dissertation…

            Text from Don: “What R U Doing still in Ur house??? Get out here! The neighbors r being BUSTED!”

            Me: “Huh! REALLY?”

            I glanced up from my computer and directly out my front window.  (My desk faces out the large double panes so that I can see what I’m missing as I slave over the keyboard)  Directly in front of me, not twenty paces away, crouched a long, fat, black van.  I had dismissed the vehicle out of hand earlier as just another crack customer, but this time I noticed there were several interestingly dressed men strolling around.  I craned my head to the left, and saw Juan’s sister, Sarah, standing beside her own vehicle… with her hands behind her back.  I had just been outside with Pippin not ten minutes ago; how had I missed this??  And now it was all over. 

Well, back to the dissertation, I guess.  Ho hum.

Every now and then, after that fateful day, I do start to wish for a little excitement.  Or, maybe just something to joke about in the driveway with my neighbors besides the parking technique of the latest renter.  I get a little nostalgic when I see “Sir Speedy”, the cracked-out homeless man who wanders the length of Tallahassee everyday, like a scarecrow, in search of a fix.  One might see him on a given day, panhandling outside a local restaurant.  He looks pathetic.  But only I, and a select few, know that he really WILL take that pity-money and march his scrawny legs directly to the nearest dealer.  He is a living stereotype, and once upon a time he made the trip into my neighborhood twice a day – but no more.  I sigh, and then I slap myself.